A special letter to Ellen DeGeneres

Dear Ellen,

I'm starting to feel like Greyhound: stop making a fuss and leave the marriage to us.

Besides, you deserve your own institution.

You opened your show today by quoting George Clooney saying that someday, gays will be allowed to marry and that those who stood against it will then realize that they were the equivalent of George Wallace depriving blacks of the right to marry...

Wait, I'm sorry, that's the right to a decent education alongside whites.

Way to open with a joke.

I know that, as a comedian, you want to have people doubled over, but isn't that because they're laughing, not throwing up?

Almost everyone has come to recognize that any two people who care deeply about each other should have certain rights and misery now only accorded to those who get married.

Nevertheless, is it too much to ask that you leave the word 'marriage" alone and get your own, you know, the way you did with 'gay?"

Did you ever consider that a lot of people consider your version of "marriage" a perversion, and that you might gain some allies among those whom you currently consider bigots simply by choosing a term that didn't offend more than half of America? I mean, no one said all that much when you appropriated "gay" for yourselves because we weren't really using it anyway, but isn't that the point?

Can't you pick a term that's on the fringe, kinda like you are, and call your unions that? How about, oh I don't know, say, "unions?" Or if that's too labor intensive, why not "pride" I mean, gays already use that a lot, and you'd be in good company - with lions. They're the kings of the jungle, you know? Although I'm not sure if female lions are considered the queens?

But then you and your partner could proudly tell people, "We're proud!" And everyone would understand you're like married. Buy gayly!

And as if to insult even further those whose support you need, you then invoked Keith Olberman? And you called his recent rant about Prop 8 "brilliant?" I mean, I didn't hear his remarks, and I hope I never will, but really, the only thing I can think of that Olberman could say that I'd consider to be brilliant would be something like, "I just realized I'm a caricature of myself... only less hateful than the real me!"

I've always liked you and admired you, I even defended you when people used to deride your lesbianness... Hey, maybe that would be a good title for you, Your Lesbianness?"

Ok, I know, sorry for getting off the track. I said I defended you, and I did. One guy on CompuServe once demanded, "What can Ellen do that any other comedian couldn't do with one hand tied behind her back, and I immediately and without hesitation answered: "Put fingers in two dikes!"

Look, I know that this matter is very important to you, but you have to understand that people who do not want you to appropriate the name of something they hold sacred are not, de facto, bigots. Although I'm sure others are in the closet, and don't you think they'd like to come out as much as you once did?

Many, probably nearly all, love America and want to retain traditional values. And most probably recognize the need to accommodate changing mores and to be inclusive of decent people no matter what their race creed, or sexual perversion.

Just kidding. I know you love that sort of thing.

With all sincerity, I wish you everything I have, and I wish me everything you have.... seriously!

So instead of railing against people, why don't you get constructive and even have your audience help you devise a compromise. If you did that, next year at this time you might just find yourself "conjoined?!?" At the lips!

Ineightly,

Ted West