A special letter to Ellen DeGeneres

Dear Ellen,

I'm starting to feel like Greyhound: stop making a fuss and leave the marriage to us.

Besides, you deserve your own institution.

You opened your show today by quoting George Clooney saying that someday, gays will be allowed to marry and that those who stood against it will then realize that they were the equivalent of George Wallace depriving blacks of the right to marry...

Wait, I'm sorry, that's the right to a decent education alongside whites.

Way to open with a joke.

I know that, as a comedian, you want to have people doubled over, but isn't that because they're laughing, not throwing up?

Almost everyone has come to recognize that any two people who care deeply about each other should have certain rights and misery now only accorded to those who get married.

Nevertheless, is it too much to ask that you leave the word 'marriage" alone and get your own, you know, the way you did with 'gay?"

Did you ever consider that a lot of people consider your version of "marriage" a perversion, and that you might gain some allies among those whom you currently consider bigots simply by choosing a term that didn't offend more than half of America? I mean, no one said all that much when you appropriated "gay" for yourselves because we weren't really using it anyway, but isn't that the point?

Can't you pick a term that's on the fringe, kinda like you are, and call your unions that? How about, oh I don't know, say, "unions?" Or if that's too labor intensive, why not "pride" I mean, gays already use that a lot, and you'd be in good company - with lions. They're the kings of the jungle, you know? Although I'm not sure if female lions are considered the queens?

But then you and your partner could proudly tell people, "We're proud!" And everyone would understand you're like married. Buy gayly!

And as if to insult even further those whose support you need, you then invoked Keith Olberman? And you called his recent rant about Prop 8 "brilliant?" I mean, I didn't hear his remarks, and I hope I never will, but really, the only thing I can think of that Olberman could say that I'd consider to be brilliant would be something like, "I just realized I'm a caricature of myself... only less hateful than the real me!"

I've always liked you and admired you, I even defended you when people used to deride your lesbianness... Hey, maybe that would be a good title for you, Your Lesbianness?"

Ok, I know, sorry for getting off the track. I said I defended you, and I did. One guy on CompuServe once demanded, "What can Ellen do that any other comedian couldn't do with one hand tied behind her back, and I immediately and without hesitation answered: "Put fingers in two dikes!"

Look, I know that this matter is very important to you, but you have to understand that people who do not want you to appropriate the name of something they hold sacred are not, de facto, bigots. Although I'm sure others are in the closet, and don't you think they'd like to come out as much as you once did?

Many, probably nearly all, love America and want to retain traditional values. And most probably recognize the need to accommodate changing mores and to be inclusive of decent people no matter what their race creed, or sexual perversion.

Just kidding. I know you love that sort of thing.

With all sincerity, I wish you everything I have, and I wish me everything you have.... seriously!

So instead of railing against people, why don't you get constructive and even have your audience help you devise a compromise. If you did that, next year at this time you might just find yourself "conjoined?!?" At the lips!

Ineightly,

Ted West

Liberals keep finding new and better ways to be despicable...

Are you following the new frenzy the Media has created - Republican terrorists?

Yep, events for McCain and Palin are spinning out of control as rally after rally, two in all I believe, have had individuals scream something disparaging about Obama... like "Cut his middle name out" or something like that.

For seven years and counting we've seen liberals say the most vile things about Republicans, mostly about, but not limited to, President Bush who actually deserves a few of them. But the point is, liberals have no hesitation to unload everything they're thinking (if you call that thinking) whenever they feel like it, wherever they are, as Madonna recently demonstrated.

And the other day, Congressman John Lewis, R*-Georgia, likened John McCain to George Wallace, and he wasn't referring to the very funny comedian.

Then there's Joey "Plug-n-Play" Biden who, in the Vice Presidential debate labeled Dick Cheney "the most dangerous Vice President in history."

What do you think the press would do if Sarah Palin called Nancy Pelosi the most dangerous Speaker in history?

So what do these liberal fulminations have in common with a couple of recent "Republican" rally-goers' shout-outs?

Absolutely nothing. According to the media, no doubt at the direction of the Obama campaign, the Republicans pose a real threat, while the zillion or so liberal hate invectives are apparently just frustrated people blowing off steam.

So if they have nothing in common, what's the real difference?

It's this:

Obama could, in all likelihood, walk unguarded through a Republican rally, and the most he'd get is a snide comment.

Palin, walking alone through a Democrat crowd would be gang-raped by black guys, at least if Sandra Bernhard was present to egg them on.

But seriously, no Republican could show his or her face at a Democrat rally and feel safe - because they wouldn't be. Somebody would do something, guaranteed.

I take it back... if Obama walked through a Republican crowd, he'd get a pat on the back.

Then people would laugh because someone had slapped a McCain-Palin sign on him.

* Racist... you thought I thought he was a Republican?

I didn't watch the debate correctly last night, and it's my fault. I forgot that there were different standards for each candidate, that Biden had to not be Biden and Palin had to -be- Palin, and in that respect, Palin clearly won by a large margin.

I have to admit that I was expecting a debate among equals where one person says something and the other tries to refute it by facts and logic, and the winner is the person who does that better than the other.

That was then, this is now.

Here's what I missed courtesy of Kyle-Anne Shiver:

"As for me and my vote, Sarah Palin has everything that counts"

There is is - THAT COUNTS."

I have to admit, Kyle-Anne is right. I was looking for one or the other to have it all.

And failing that, I was looking for the one who had - the most.

I never thought along the lines, "that's plenty good enough."

Sarah Palin clearly qualified last night.

Biden was more knowledgeable, but how much is too much? At what point do you say, "That guy knows way too much because he's been entrenched there for four decades?"

If you want change, Biden sure ain't it.

Palin may have a lot to learn, but there's a far better chance that with each thing she learns, she'll say, "That doesn't make sense, I wanna do it differently."

Then there's the bigger problem Biden had - if you're going to set yourself up as the authority, if you're going to point at the camera and assure America you know what you're talking about, if you're going to tell Sarah Palin that she got it exactly wrong, you'd better get it exactly right.

And if I'm watching the debate and Joe Biden assures he knows what he's talking about, I'm going to believe him because I'm too lazy to look it up. But if I find out later that he was wrong after he swore he was right, he doesn't just drop down one rung, he goes into freefall.

And it turns out, Biden was wrong - at least ten times according to Karl Rove, and Rick Moran says today that Biden committed the Mother of All Blunders, and it was one I wondered about when he said it...

Biden said that he and Bobo urged George Bush to "move NATO forces in there" after Israeli forces in Lebanon had finally pushed Hezbollah back from Lebanon's border with Israel.

I didn't recall anyone advocating that, but, and this may come as a surprise, I don't know everything.

It turns out that no one suggested sending NATO troops into Lebanon.

Worse yet, Biden said something that went right by me - "We kicked Hezbollah out of Lebanon."

Forget the "we," he meant the general "we," but no part of that "we" kicked Hezbollah all the way out of Lebanon. In fact, the best Israel could do was to move them back.

Sarah Plain made no mistakes of this magnitude, and if she had, she'd be a laughingstock. They are busy mocking her today because she got a general's name wrong. Biden not only got a perception wrong, he literally made it up...

He lied.

He lied to our face.

Thats a fine example to set for the youngster he's running with.

Had I realized that last night, I'd have said, "Stop the debate, Palin wins on a TKO."

When it was over, I was upset with Palin's shallowness, but I also felt that she'd demonstrated an overall capability. But as you see, my focus was completely on her  Now that I realize Biden was very Biden, Palin not only won handily, but she succeeded in getting Biden to show us why he should not be anywhere near the Presidency.